🥤When home stops feeling like one

👋 Good evening! Love is romanticized a lot of times, and with good reason. I mean, it’s love. Yet, the reality of love is a balance of roses and thorns, and sometimes, the thorns get more pronounced. This week, we spoke to a man struggling to find his love again and another person who, after grief, is learning to navigate love again.

In this issue:

When home stops feeling like one

Jude* (39) speaks about his failing marriage and how he and his wife, Bunmi* (39), are keeping up the perfect marriage facade. He discusses their marriage, his deteriorating mental health, and whether he can keep pushing through despite it all. 

Bunmi and I got married 10 years ago. We have three kids, our own house, and to the outside world, we are the picture-perfect family anyone could ever wish for. But the reality is that all isn’t well in our family.

I met my wife during a work conference when I had just started working as an accountant. She was a banker at another banking institution with about two years of senior experience. I was mostly taken by her beauty the first time I met her, but after getting to know her, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

We were inseparable, and she introduced me to her friends and family very early into our relationship. It was set in stone that we would end up together. The wedding bells rang when we were both 29, about two years after we started dating. Things were going well. We got cars, put our kids in the best schools, and lived comfortably. Then, my wife lost her job halfway into our marriage.

Adjusting wasn’t easy, but we got on. We eventually set up a business for her, but the job loss took the joy within the walls of our home. Communication became terrible, and little comments almost escalated into serious arguments. It was after Bunmi lost the job that she got pregnant with our third child. I understood her anger at the world at that moment and how she felt, but understanding wasn’t enough. 

Slowly, I also began to withdraw into my own shell. I started dreading the end of the workday because it meant going home, and sometimes I would sit in my car for a few minutes before walking through the door. Work became an escape, and I found myself staying later than necessary because being at the office felt easier than home.

I never talked to my friends about what was happening because I had become so used to pretending everything was fine that eventually, I started doing it even with the people closest to me. We wore our pretense so well. I lost interest in life, and I still wondered how I managed to play along outside the house despite all she did. 

My wife threw around demeaning comments whenever I got ready for work. I ignored most of her snide remarks, especially on the day I got promoted. I hurried home to celebrate with my wife, but she couldn’t pretend to care. On days I came home late, she accused me of cheating on her. 

She did all these things in front of the kids, and even though I tried to reach common ground multiple times, nothing worked out. I sought the assistance of one of her older sisters, and while my wife told her sister that all was well and that she would work on herself, she didn’t.

I decided to speak with our pastor at church. My wife loved the church, and I thought that would be a better option. The pastor found it hard to believe that all of this was going on, and when she spoke with Bunmi, my wife told me to my face that she didn’t think I was great enough to be at my workplace and doing well when she, who was way better, didn’t have a job.

Meanwhile, she only lost her job because of staff cuts, not because she was incompetent. But all efforts to get a new job proved abortive. Also, when she eventually found another job at a particular bank, she said it was too small for her experience and that she wasn’t going into the banking industry anymore.

I was shocked that she held me in contempt when I had been nothing short of supportive. We even drained our joint and individual savings to open a clothing business for her, which is thriving, by the way. Still, I tried to make I feel better because I understood her frustration. 

When the pastor’s intervention didn’t prove helpful, I opened up to a senior colleague at work who advised therapy, but Bunmi never agreed to come with me. She accused me of broadcasting our problems to the world.

I love my wife, and I can’t bring myself to leave her, but I’m not happy at all. She told me countless times how unhappy she was, but she wouldn’t leave either. Year in, year out, we are stuck in this endless loop, and I fear our kids are affected too. I know she is too. 

The truth is, I don’t know how much longer we can keep doing this. We attend family events, smile for pictures, and play the part of the happy family everyone thinks we are. But when the doors close, it is just the two of us and everything we have been trying not to confront. I love my wife, and I still hope we can find our way back to each other. I just don’t know what that will take anymore.

If you’d love to spill the juice on your love story, tell us here. You can be anonymous if you prefer.

In our last issue, 76.9% voted that Halima shouldn’t have stooped that low, and 23.1% say it serves Gozie right. Whether you choose revenge or not, it is more harmful to stay with a cheating lover. October 10th is World Mental Health Day, so we want to know if you prioritize your mental health and also watch out for others?

My darling,

First, I’m sending you the warmest hugs. Losing someone you loved deeply definitely changes the way you experience love afterwards.

Grief has no expiry date. It never fully leaves. The reality is that life continues for the rest of us, and part of living is loving. That you’re ready to love again doesn’t mean you’ve completely stopped missing the person you lost. Or that you’re betraying them in any way. I want you to be gentle with yourself, but you also need to be honest with yourself.

You should remember that your new partner shouldn’t have to compete with a memory, and you don’t have to stop loving the person you lost in order to love someone new. Those are different kinds of love, and there is room for both.

Now, the honesty. There’s a difference between grieving someone and being emotionally unavailable to the person who is still here. If you’re constantly comparing them, holding yourself back because you’re afraid to fully love again, or asking this period to patiently wait for a version of you who may eventually become available, then yes, you may be hurting her.

You also need to stop making yourself the sole judge of whether you’re “ready.” Communication exists for a reason. Talk to her. Be honest about your emotional state and ask her whether she feels loved, secure, and chosen in the relationship. She deserves to make the choice of staying while you grieve.

Most importantly, my darling, please consider therapy. This is a lot to carry around, not to talk about into a new relationship. You shouldn’t have to figure out grief, guilt, love, and the fear of losing someone again all by yourself.

While you don’t have to leave her just because you’re still grieving, you do need to stop expecting love alone to heal what grief has left behind. If you genuinely care about this person, give her honesty, give yourself help and give the relationship a fair chance to become its own thing. If, after doing that, you realise you just cannot be present for her, then loving her may mean letting her go.

The person you lost will always be part of your story. That doesn’t mean they have to be the end of it. There’s so much more waiting for you. You’re alive; live. 

Love,

Big Aunty

Big Aunty has heard it all, and she's not judging you. Bring all your questions to the table, she’ll answer honestly. Ask anonymously here.

REFERRAL SPOTLIGHT

We are giving a warm spotlight to Yusuf Mudashiru, who successfully referred two people to The Juice. We love you, Yusuf, and as a thank you, we asked him to provide something to share with our ~28k subscribers.

So we are giving a warm shoutout to SooperMART Grocery Stores Limited at 37, Adebayo Mokuolu Street, Anthony. Lagos. If you're ever in the area, we encourage you to pay them a visit!

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