🥤What to do with a cheating lover?

👋 Good evening! We saw cheating stories flying across the internet this week; it can be jarring to discover that someone you thought you knew is actually a different person. Which is why we spoke to someone who experienced this. Read on!

In this issue:

What to do with a cheating lover?

When Halima* discovers that her childhood friend-turned-lover, Gozie*, was in another relationship, even though he had asked to marry her, she decides to take revenge. 

Starting a long-distance relationship should have been my sign all along, but I had known Gozie all my life. Our parents attended the same church, and although we weren’t close friends, we were cordial. Gozie traveled out for his master’s degree, and my parents asked me to check on him. His parents also encouraged me to text him for more information on how to process mine.

He was more than happy to help, and at no point did he make me feel like I was burdening him. He came home for his mother’s birthday, a surprise visit I helped plan. It was beautiful, and we met.

Seeing him again, we began to see each other as more than family friends. Before he left, we hung out, and he even joked about liking me since we were teenagers. He gave a vivid description of the first time he realized that.

Before he took his flight back, he suggested we give each other a try. I wasn’t in a relationship. In fact, my relationship from university had ended during my NYSC year because of distance. I told Gozie how I felt about long-distance relationships and how they rarely end well. I mean, mine didn’t. But I was also willing to see where things would lead, so I agreed.

Gozie knew how to love. He was busy with his degree, yes, but that didn’t stop the regular calls, the gifts, the check-ins. It was great being in love, and I was sure I had found my person. My application was going well, but I’d also decided to start an MBA back home in case it didn’t work out. Gozie and his family were supportive even financially, and they really wanted the best for me.

Gozie finished his program, and even though I couldn’t make it to his graduation, I organized a celebration party for him with the help of his friends. Gozie, now my boyfriend, came home in December, and it was memorable. He told me he had come solely to ask my dad for permission to marry me. The family was aware of our relationship, but I found that gesture really intentional.

This man worshipped the ground I was walking on throughout the three weeks he stayed in the country. He had the talk with my parents, and both families made arrangements to finalize things the following year. Everything was going well.

Then Gozie returned to the UK. A month later, I stumbled upon an Instagram post featuring a side view picture of my fiancé and another woman. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t have suspected anything, but Instagram kept bringing that account back to my page. I took the bait and saw several soft-launch pictures of Gozie. It was him. I took screenshots of a couple and showed my friends without context, and they instantly said, “That’s Gozie na.”

That’s how I discovered Gozie had another relationship. But it didn’t end there. I went through my DMs from people congratulating us during the engagement, and there was the same babe coming to me as a woman. I replied to her, and she explained how she also came across the proposal post, which was why she sent me a message.

She said she and Gozie had been dating online for two months before he came to Nigeria. Out of the four weeks Gozie spent in Nigeria, he was with her for a whole week. That was the one week I accompanied my parents to our hometown.

She said she wanted to speak with me before speaking to him. I didn’t know what to do immediately, but I knew I was not going to marry him. I told her I was done with Gozie and that she should do whatever she wanted.

She said she’d block him and had no interest in addressing things. I didn’t care what she did, but I don’t think she spoke to him. He would’ve told me.

I stopped communicating with him or visiting his parents as I normally would. I stopped using the ring, but I made sure I paid him back with his own coin. I took our engagement posts off my social media pages and replied to a couple of love interests in my DMs. I entertained a few and went on a couple of dates.

Whenever Gozie called, my excuse was MBA stress, and I’d post pictures of myself fully dressed and outside right after. I cheated back with an MBA classmate of mine, Jay. We went on dates, read together, and hung out at each other’s places. The guy had been a respectable classmate, and he liked me too, so why not?

Gozie must have suspected all this because, one Sunday afternoon, when I had just returned from Jay’s, he blew up my phone with calls. When I eventually picked up, he was screaming on the phone and also sent some pictures of me at a restaurant with Jay. We were kissing in some of these pictures. 

Apparently, he had sent his friend to ‘monitor’ me because of my changed attitude. I didn’t care to ask how his friend discovered it, instead, I countered with my evidence against him.

After trying to gaslight me, he admitted, apologized, and sent his people to convince me. But I was done with him. Gozie kept finding ways to mend things, even months later. In hindsight, I don’t regret how I handled things, although our parents wished I was more “diplomatic” about the matter. But I wish I had made him feel more like a fool.

If you’d love to spill the juice on your love story, tell us here. You can be anonymous if you prefer.

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In our last issue, 57.1% of you voted that controlling your partner’s whereabouts is an obsessive trait. Meanwhile, 0% of you blamed clinginess (looks like we have a community of physical touch lovers). This week, we want to know if you support Halima cheating back or not.

My darling,

First of all, come take a hug. This is one of the hardest situations to navigate in a long-term relationship. I know because I’ve experienced it, but I was on the receiving end, so I’ll be honest and gentle when I say this: everybody suffers if you stay.

You don’t need a dramatic reason to leave a relationship. The fact that the love is no longer there is reason enough, especially if it’s been that way for a while and you don’t see a way for those feelings to return anytime soon. If you’re staying mainly because of comfort, history, or fear of hurting them, that’s kind of a problem.

It may not feel that way right now, but staying with someone you no longer love simply because they haven’t given you a reason to leave is unfair to them, selfish to you, and ultimately unfair to the relationship itself.

That doesn’t mean you need to pack your bags tomorrow. Give yourself some honest space to ask: Do I actually want this relationship, and am I willing to work through the lack of feelings right now? Take some time to hear yourself properly.

One of the worst things you can do to a good person is stay because “they’re such a good person.” You’re punishing them. Good people deserve to be loved by someone who genuinely wants to be there. You’re not doing someone a favor by giving them half of your heart.

If you eventually decide to leave, you probably can’t do it without hurting them. Sorry, babe, but it’s the truth. Heartbreak isn’t something we can send a polite email about LOL. No matter how gently you do it, it will hurt. What you can do is leave with honesty, kindness, and respect. Don’t manufacture faults to make your decision easier. Tell them the truth: they didn’t do anything wrong; your feelings have changed.

Also, don’t make false promises or allow yourself to be convinced that you simply need to be more patient. If you’ve come to me with this, you’ve clearly been thinking about it. Think a little more, then make the most honest and selfless decision you can.

Sometimes loving someone also means being honest enough to stop keeping them in a relationship you’ve already emotionally left. You’ll both be fine eventually.

Love,
Big Aunty.

Big Aunty has heard it all, and she's not judging you. Bring all your questions to the table, she’ll answer honestly. Ask anonymously here.

Has your friend ever been cheated on?

Today’s issue was brought to you by Shalom Tewobola and Ikeoluwa Amonimo.

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