🥤How do you handle conflicts in relationships

👋 Hello. This week, we asked a few men about the biggest icks they’ve encountered while dating- you know, those little things that made them lose interest. From hardcore stans to women who couldn’t read the room and ones who were always sad, we heard some truly wild answers. But one story stood out as the most atrocious of them all.

In this issue:

My date ordered the entire menu

In this week’s edition of Spilling the Juice, we spoke with Tega* 26, about a turn-off that prevented him from pursuing a relationship. He tells us how he met her, their first dinner date, and how he handled the shock of his life.

The first time I met Janet* was at a party. She came along with Ese, a mutual friend of ours. Janet was beautiful, whimsical, and great with conversation. We hit it off quickly because we had similar interests.

She loved going out, listening to music, and playing games. We both knew we weren't going through the friendship route; we wanted a relationship. I travelled for work, but that didn't stop us from talking over the phone every day. 

Two weeks later, I was done with work and returned home. Our conversations had built such momentum that I wanted nothing more than to see her as soon as I arrived. We quickly planned to meet.

Our plan included going out for a dinner date so we could talk more, then choosing another date location afterward. As I said, we both enjoyed going out, so it was a fun idea to date hop. I was secretly hoping for a good vibe, so we could end up going to a second location.

We chose a pretty nice restaurant that she suggested. She said she’d visited before and the food was great. I picked her up, she looked breathtaking. I didn't know she was planning to take my breath away for real that night. 

On getting to the restaurant, I let her order first since she had been there before. After getting starters, Janet kept ordering different dishes for the main course. She was going on and on with the menu. She ordered what could feed up to five people, ranging from chicken and fried rice to jollof rice, Chinese rice, and the list goes on.

As much as I was uncomfortable with the whole thing, it was our first date, and I was aiming to impress. Also, she had told me before that she was a foodie. I thought she was ordering for both of us, right? This one really pass foodie. When she was done, she smiled and said, place your order na. I don't know how I managed to hide my shock, but I did. 

Our food arrived, and she did the most unbelievable thing. She nibbled on bits of every single dish before settling for the jollof rice. It was a sight watching her move from Plate A to Plate B to Plate C.

For drinks, she got a glass of chocolate milkshake, a mocktail, and told them to keep the juice jug coming. I couldn't bring myself to question her, but I was mad. I was fuming while eating my own plate of coconut rice, but she didn't notice. Let’s not even talk about the bill at all.

When I finished my food, she asked where our next date was. With which money?

I waved it off, telling her it had gotten quite late. I mean, with the food prep time we had to wait for, time was far spent. She agreed and said we should leave. Go where? You must finish all this food o. 

I called the waiter to pack the leftovers for takeout. She looked a bit perplexed, but at that moment, I no longer cared. I told her to book her ride as I couldn't drop her off at her place.

When her ride came, I dumped the bags of dishes next to her as she sat. Janet clearly didn't see anything wrong in what she did because, as her ride zoomed off, she texted me saying, Thank you for today. When are we seeing next?

I ghosted her right from that moment. When Ese reached out to ask why I broke Janet's heart, I explained everything that happened. Ese exclaimed, and her reaction alone made me know I didn't overreact at all.

Since then, I make a conscious effort to avoid anyone who calls themselves a foodie. The gluttony I experienced has left a scar on me. It was so irritating, and I hope I never experience something like that again.

If you’d love to spill the juice on your love story, tell us here. You can be anonymous if you prefer.

In our last issue, 42.9% of you voted cheating as the ultimate relationship dealbreaker. I truly wonder about the rest of you. This week, we’re talking about "icks." Which one makes you stop talking to someone instantly?

Q: I had something serious going with someone, or at least I thought I did. One morning, we had a small argument about some trending gender issues online. We laughed it off at the end of the conversation. Then, suddenly, I was blocked.

When I reached out to ask why, she treated me almost like I never existed. I keep replaying that conversation, trying to figure out what I said wrong so I don't repeat the same mistake with someone else.

But now I find myself shutting down whenever I sense a disagreement with someone I like because I’m scared it could escalate. How do I stop one person’s unexplained reaction from affecting how I handle conflict in future relationships?

My darling,

First off, you need a big hug because being suddenly blocked by someone close to your heart will make even the most emotionally stable person start doubting themselves. 

Now let’s separate two things; what you said and how she chose to respond. I think it’s emotionally mature to reflect on your words, try to understand where things went wrong and learn from it. However, someone’s unexplained reaction isn’t evidence that you’re incapable of having healthy disagreements.

Gender conversations can be sensitive because they touch on people’s lived experiences and beliefs. She may have been triggered by your words or interpreted the conversation differently from your intention.

She may also not have the capacity or willingness to communicate through the conflict. Or she may have her personal reasons for walking away. The uncomfortable truth is that you don’t have enough information to know. But please, don’t make one person’s way your new conflict-resolution strategy. LOL.

If every disagreement now feels like a potential breakup, you’ll start ‘editing’ yourself before you’ve even finished speaking. Which isn’t bad, too, but it’s important that the reason for that is learning, not hiding. You’ll also start avoiding difficult conversations just for the sake of keeping the peace. You’re not an Apostle. Healthy relationships have disagreements without making you feel unsafe about the relationship itself. 

Of course, I’m not giving you a free pass. If after reflecting, you realize you were insensitive or crossed a boundary, take accountability. It is evidence of growth, but it also doesn’t mean you’re taking responsibility for her decision not to communicate. 

Next time conflict comes up, listen, clarify, apologise when you’re wrong, and stand your ground when you’re not. But do it all with grace. The right person for you won’t expect you to shrink yourself just to keep the peace. You’re allowed to learn from the situation without it becoming the blueprint for every relationship that comes after it.

Keep your head up.
Love,
Big Aunty.

Big Aunty has heard it all, and she's not judging you. Bring all your questions to the table, she’ll answer honestly. Ask anonymously here.

What’s your friend’s worst ick?

Today’s issue was brought to you by Shalom Tewobola and Ikeoluwa Amonimo.

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