🥤He called it home, but it was a hotel

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Welcome to Pillow Talk by The Juice, the newsletter where we talk about love, sex, and situationships the way you'd gist with your closest friend. Inside: honest columns, expert interviews, and a big aunty ready to answer the questions you can't ask anybody else.

And no, this isn't "for the girls" only. Everybody's dating, everybody's confused, men, you especially might learn something here. Let’s dig in.

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What he called home was a hotel

On this edition of Spilling the Juice, we spoke to Tayo* about meeting a potential lover, the date that failed, and how she ran for her life. 

T, 22

The day I met Mike* was quite unforgettable. It was during my undergraduate days that I met him randomly while getting groceries with my friends. He requested my number, and I gave it to him- a big mistake.

The first time Mike and I chatted over the phone, I knew we couldn't head anywhere. The conversation wasn't in sync, and I just knew it wasn’t the vibe I wanted in a relationship.

Our first date was bland; there was no spark and no chemistry between us. Mike was using his phone throughout the date, and the one time he spoke, he asked me to be his girlfriend. 

I was confused, but my thoughts were not clouded. This man barely knew me and didn't care to, instead, he wanted us to get into a relationship straight. Mike also lied about his age; he was definitely way older.

Upon my refusal, he harped on about Lagos Island having nicer restaurants and asked me out on another date. That date was the third time we spoke. I thought maybe the third time was indeed the charm. How wrong I was.

We went out again, and this time, our initial plan was to head to a restaurant, then a lounge. After which he would drop me off at my place. Mike once again lost his ability to communicate.

His eyes remained glued to his phone screen, and the only time he spoke was to ask me to be his girlfriend. Again, I refused.

Suddenly, Mike claimed he forgot an item at home and would like to go pick it up. He also wanted me to accompany him. On suspecting foul play, I offered to remain in the restaurant, but he insisted that if he let that happen, other suitors would approach me. 

I went with him, and this guy drove to a hotel. Surprised, I queried him, but he only smiled. While I panicked, Mike retrieved a bag full of clothes from the car and insisted I get out with him.

When I refused, he shouted at me. I was not only shocked, I was also livid. He rambled about planning a weekend getaway and that I should get with the game. 

The embarrassment was so much that I obliged. Mike booked a room and expected me to go with him to the room. I refused, staying put at the reception.

This man began his yelling again: “Babe, let’s go! Why do you always act this way? I’m tired of this attitude you always give! What more can I do as a man? I planned this evening getaway, and you are being ungrateful!” 

If I was livid before, this was a whole other level of shame. It felt like I was thrown in the middle of a movie with no context. I matched the intensity of his voice, “I’m not your babe! Why are you making me look mad? 

That drew a lot of attention, so he left but kept on blowing my phone with texts, insisting I join him. I decided to outsmart him and told him to come downstairs so we could go to the restaurant first, then return to the hotel.

Before you could say Jack Robinson, I ran away. I ran as far as my legs could carry me before hopping on a bus heading to Yaba. As I sat safely in the bus, I ignored the hundreds of calls and chats from Mike and blocked him instantly. 

If you’d love to spill the juice on your own horror story, tell us here. 100% anonymity!

The most popular answer with who responded first will be shared next time!

Big Aunty, how can I find someone who doesn’t play about me? It is almost always like I put in 70% of care in my relationships. Is it a me thing, or should I ignore it and make do with the 30%? 

My darling,

First of all, let’s retire this idea that love is a group project where one person does 70% and the other supports from the sidelines.

The truth is, healthy relationships won’t always be 50/50 every single day. Life happens. Sometimes your partner carries more because you’re exhausted and simply can’t give your best.

Other times, it’s your turn to carry them. That’s what partnership is in reality. Now, if you’re consistently giving 70% while they’re comfortably giving 30%, that’s not a good pattern.

Your question, “Should I ignore it and make do with the 30%?” tells me there’s a deeper issue. Why do you think that’s an option? Is it because you believe this is the best you’ll find? Are you so afraid of losing someone that you’re willing to settle for a love that leaves you emotionally underfed?

Sometimes we become so attached to the potential of a relationship that we start giving grace where accountability is needed. “He’s trying.” “She’s just busy.” “It’ll get better.” Sometimes it does but people who don’t play about you usually don’t make you constantly wonder if they do. Y

ou shouldn’t have to do mental gymnastics or convince yourself to feel secure. Healthy love has a reassuring certainty to it.

Also, don’t underestimate the power of your standards. The more you tolerate poor treatment because you’re afraid of losing someone, the harder it becomes to recognise something healthy when it finally arrives. And it will.

So no, don’t ignore your feelings. If you haven’t already, communicate your needs clearly. Give people the opportunity to meet you where you are, but if they consistently don’t, believe the pattern, not the promises they can’t back up.

Darling, you deserve a love that is reciprocal, not one that has you constantly calculating percentages. One day you’ll meet someone who doesn’t play about you, and you’ll realise how peaceful it is not to keep asking where you stand. That’s the feeling you’re looking for.

So if love keeps turning you into an accountant, close the books and walk away. Better is coming.

Love,

Big Aunty.

Send your questions anonymously to Big Aunty here; she is taking notes!

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